Last Thursday, a blessed event
occurred in my household.

No, no one had a baby, and nei-
ther me nor my new roommates
kicked the habit. I am speaking of
getting cable TV.

I never realized how much of a
TV junkie I am. During the 10-day
period I was in town without cable,
I estimate I missed 22 episodes of
“The Simpsons,” 22 episodes of
“Seinfeld,” 10 episodes of Rap City,
countless “Movies for Guys Who
Like Movies” on TBS, and God only
knows how many Tony Robbins
infomercials.

I know, the easy thing to say in
response to my dilemma is: get a
hobby, go for a walk, read a book,
do something for the betterment of
society.

The thing is, the only substitute
I could find with the requisite
mind-numbing properties was
alcohol.

In the aforementioned 10-day
span, I went through eight kegs,
helped polish off two half-gallons of
Cuervo Gold Tequila, and spent at
least four evenings patronizing the
local alcohol-serving establish-
ments.

Fortunately, I’m not writing this
from detox, but unfortunately the
acquisition of cable did nothing for
my depravity.

Whereas before I needed alcohol
as a TV substitute, having cable
means having football, so now alco-
hol is needed to enhance my view-
ing experience.

Thankfully, though, like the T-
shirt says, we live in “Athens, Ga.,
a drinking town with a football
problem.”

So, I’ve learned to be a function-
al alcoholic, and whereas my repu-
tation has suffered with my love
for the bottle, my grade-point aver-
age (3.06) has not.

– David Mowery is a junior in journalism.