Thursday: NBC’s Must See
TV is all new, at long last. Find out
if Ross and Rachel are back
together on "Friends" (8 p.m.). Oh,
and if you don’t think they’re back
together, let me beat you with a
baseball bat until you have an
inkling of common sense. Moving
on, the ads for the new "Union
Square" (8:30 p.m.) are actually
bragging that it’s from the produc-
ers of "Caroline in the City," which
means I won’t watch it on princi-
ple. The gang from "Seinfeld" (9
p.m.) is back (I pray George is still
paralyzed), and Kirstie Alley’s new
sitcom, the critically praised
"Veronica’s Closet," premieres at
9:30 p.m. And, finally, the one
you’ve all been waiting for – the
season premiere of "ER" (10 p.m.)
will be filmed live, meaning the
actors will be under a little pres-
sure. The cast will actually film
the show three times – once on
tape in case something goes dras-
tically wrong at 9:59, once at 10
p.m. for the east coast, and once at
1 a.m. for the west coast.

Friday: ABC’s smilin’ and pro-
filin’ TGIF lineup returns, but
does anybody care? "Sabrina, the
Teenage Witch" (ABC, 8 p.m.) is
an hour long, and Maureen
McCormick (a.k.a. Marcia Brady)
returns to prime-time TV in the
insipid-sounding "Teen Angel"
(ABC, 9:30 p.m.). On other chan-
nels, Urkel (now 87 years old) still
tries to get some grinding, steamy,
sweaty lovin’ from Laura on
"Family Matters" (CBS, 8 p.m.),
and that formerly cute, now
insanely annoying kid from "Jerry
Maguire" co-stars with Bronson
Pinchot in the alien comedy
"Meego" (CBS, 8:30 p.m.). Sean
Connery and Laurence Fishburne
search for a believable plot in
"Just Cause" (NBC, 9 p.m.).

Saturday: Eric (brother of
Julia) Roberts joins D.B. Sweeney
("The Cutting Edge") in the new
crime series "C-16" (ABC, 8 p.m.),
followed by James Belushi’s new
series, "Total Security" (ABC, 9
p.m.). Sully, whoever the hell that
is, may die on "Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman" (CBS, 8 p.m.),
which I’ve obviously never seen.
Sylvester Stallone hosts the sea-
son premiere of "Saturday Night
Live" (NBC, 11:30 p.m.), with
musical guest Jamiroquai.

Sunday: Disney premieres its
new "Wonderful World of Disney"
program with the network debut
of "Toy Story" (ABC, 7 p.m.). On
"Men Behaving Badly" (NBC, 8
p.m.), Ron Eldard and Justine
Bateman get married – only
because the actors desperately
want off the show. Skinner is
declared a Springfield imposter on
"The Simpsons" (Fox, 8 p.m.),
while Hank wants Luanne to
move out on "King of the Hill"
(Fox, 8:30 p.m.). Jenny Mc-
Carthy’s new show, cleverly titled
"Jenny" (NBC, 8:30 p.m.), makes
its debut. Breast … er, I mean,
best wishes, Jenny! Elizabeth
Perkins stars in "Cloned" (NBC, 9
p.m.), a sci-fi drama about human
duplication, and Maureen
McCormick (again!) headlines
"Get to the Heart: The Barbara
Mandrell Story" (CBS, 9 p.m.).

Monday: Women’s rights have
been pushed back at least 30 years
with NBC’s Must See Monday
lineup – "Suddenly Stupid" (8
p.m.), "Fired (Throw) Up" (8:30
p.m.), "Caroline in the Shi…" (9
p.m.) and "The Naked Tripe" (9:30
p.m.). CBS’s equally heinous line-
up features such has-beens as
"Cosby" (8 p.m.) and "Cybill"
(8:30), while letting Bob Newhart
shine a bit (albeit opposite the
tired Judd Hirsch) in "George and
Leo" (9:30 p.m.). The good stuff is
over on the smaller networks -
the clever "Ally McBeal" (Fox, 9
p.m.) and "Buffy, the Vampire
Slayer" (WB, 9 p.m.) are definitely
worth watching (yes, they’re at the
same time – record one of ‘em).

Tuesday: "Before They Were
Pros" (TNT, 8 p.m.) focuses on the
childhoods of some NFL athletes,
including Brett Favre, John
Elway and Troy Aikman. Check
out "Mad About You" (NBC, 8
p.m.) and "News Radio" (NBC,
8:30 p.m.), and then flip over to
"Home Improvement" (ABC, 9
p.m.), just to see how ugly the kids
have gotten after puberty. Kevin
Nealon and Richard Lewis star as
"Hiller and Diller" (ABC, 9:30
p.m.), which I turned off after five
minutes last week. Sipowicz is
suspected of a mobster’s murder
on the season premiere of "NYPD
Blue" (ABC, 10 p.m.).

Wednesday: To truly test your
annoyance, "The Nanny" (CBS, 8
p.m.), already an insipid show, fea-
tures a cameo by Roseanne (will
her career just die!?!). Bryant
Gumbel premieres his new news
series, "Public Eye" (CBS, 9 p.m.),
and "Chicago Hope" (CBS, 10
p.m.) premieres, but these doctor-
show slackers are actually doing it
recorded, not live.