My roommate and I are kinda
on the outs with the cable compa-
ny.

We finally got tired of all the
hassle and canceled cable.

Now, I know there are plenty of
you who are wondering if life with-
out TV is even possible. Well, it is.

I’m an avid reader, so I decided
this would be a great chance to
really catch up on my favorite pas-
time. So I ventured into my local
grocery store and perused the
magazine covers.

I wasn’t really sure about
which magazine to read until one
headline caught my eye.

“How to Achieve the Big O in 4
Easy Steps.”

Wow, I thought. The one thing
that is really lacking is my
Organizational Skills.

This magazine is going to
change my life. I happily took my
purchase up to the cash register.

The 40-year-old woman ringing up
my purchase looked like she had
seen way too many smart-
mouthed college students in her
days. I decided I was going to
make up for all that.

“Hi!” I said cheerily. “I’m going
to learn all about the Big O!”
She just stared.

The teenage boy bagging my
groceries started dry heaving
because he was laughing so hard.
I guess I must look like the
unorganized type.

It wasn’t until I got home that I
realized what the Big O really
was! And let me tell you – it ain’t
organizational skills.

After my initial mortification
wore off (Well, it really never wore
off because there is a certain gro-
cery store I can no longer patron-
ize), I took a look at women’s mag-
azines.

I don’t know where I have been
or what rock I have been under,
but I never realized how much
women’s magazines talk about
sex.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in
a small town. But I swear that I
thought orgasm meant “all living
things.” Orgasm – organism, it
was all the same to me. That is
until Cosmo set me straight. I
didn’t know they were even
allowed to print things like that.

I’m not going to tell you what
they wrote because my mama
would slap me silly. But I can tell
you this: I can no longer eat food
wrapped in Saran Wrap, whip
cream makes me want to throw
up, and Hanes-Her-Way has taken
on a whole new meaning.

But Cosmo isn’t the only cul-
prit. All women’s magazines are.
Do they think we won’t buy it if it
doesn’t have “Sex” or “Orgasm”
plastered across the cover?

I mean, there are certain parts
of my body that I don’t want to see
a full-page diagram of.

I think God would have put
them in plain view if he wanted
me to see it.

But we have learned in our
journalism classes how important
art is for any story. The magazines
are just following the rules.

I guess my embarrassment is
not going to be sufficient to change
the status quo, so I have come up
with a few magazine headlines
myself. (Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em,
join ‘em!)

Hot Pasta and Hotter Sex: Will
you ever be able to say “noodle”
without giggling again?

Getting an ‘A’ for your ‘Big O’:
Have a good time and learn the
alphabet.

The Fourth of July Picnic: Old
Glory’s a-waving and the fire-
works are blazing!

The “Ex Files”: Can you really
take the ‘ex’ out of sex?

– Alice Coggin is a staff writer for The Red and Black. Women’s magazines interested in hiring her should contact her here.