On Tuesday, a former beauty queen went public, saying she had an affair with then-Governor Clinton. Add Gennifer Flowers, Monica Lewinski, Paula Jones, et al, it seems there’s a pattern developing of people coming out of the woodwork to proclaim they fornicated with the nation’s "top dawg."

Though the Jones case has been dismissed, I’d like to jump on the now-defunct bandwagon and go public; I too had an affair with President Clinton. Ignore the fact that I’m a heterosexual male and that I’ve never met the President. After all, when have facts been something that mass media has paid attention to?

I need money. I need a book deal. I need attention. I need to be a household name. This story seems to be the easiest way to ride coat tails to fame and fortune. America loves this kind of stuff.

Since Screech is holding the talentless actor spot on "Saved by the Bell" and Jerry Springer has his freak show booked clear through the millennium, I guess I could try the WB, but even I have standards.

So lies and accusations seem to be to most logical next step. Right? Well lets think of what I gain: All the tabloids will ensure their story is even more sensational than my own to compensate for my lack of creativity on making up a story.

It would make people wish they had voted for Dole. If he was facing these allegations of having these affairs at his age, people would erect a statue in his honor.

For banging the president, friends would herald me as "THE MAN" while proving that I’m not the only person at the University not having sex. Maybe an exclusive on Oprah, or "Hardcopy" at worse. Heck, if I can get a couple other people to join in the hoopla, this could be a great multi-level marketing-like scheme, and I’m on the bottom floor!!!

Or even better, this could break O.J. Simpson, Richard Jewel and JonBenet Ramsey on duration of media coverage given to these stories everyone says they hate to hear about, but still "shussssh" their friends when these stories come on the news.

Wow, sleeping with the president. Boy would that be a story I could tell my grandkids. Well, I guess that I could tell them that anyway.

Not only do I get fame, fortune, and a special place reserved for me in hell, but I also get to defame the leader of the free world and rake his name in the mud. I also get to undermine his position, take proper media attention away from worldwide events and give more reasons for people at Stanford to look funny at Chelsea.

Ten years down the road after my jail time is over, some show may even feature me on "Where are they now?" I love America!!!

Have I made my point?

Stories like these damage the reputation of United States. I don’t mean that other countries would start laughing at us. They already do.

What I mean is that stories like this damage the image of the United States as the "land of the free." It doesn’t even matter if Clinton gets off or not. We know that innocent is a label worn by many who are not.

If I was a woman, I would not feel comfortable with these claims, which, bear with me, may be true. Not only are they mocked in the media, Clinton’s approval rating increases with every affair.

If you’re a boss and you pressure someone to have sex with you, Clinton’s story gives you everything but your own theme song to listen to, as you steal the dignity of another and teach them to fear whether justice will be served. Is this the kind of message I would want sent to me?

If I chose to present my lie as the truth, I could get rich and also impede justice. This proves my theory that has been demonstrated for billions of generations: Life is not fair.

Marc Handler is a junior in management information systems.