OK, so maybe some of you opened your wonderful copy of The Red & Black to the Opinions page and were hoping to see a column from one of your favorite writers. Unfortunately, Hunter Towns cannot write columns every day.

So now you’re wondering who I am and what my story is. Before I start, I’d like to say I am writing this column through a miraculous chain of events.

Anyway, enough about other things, let’s talk about me. My name is Matt, and I only have one pair of pants. This may seem odd to some people, but allow me to explain.

First, I’m not the easiest person to buy pants for. I am a mutant. My measurements are those of a fat troll. My legs are short, and my waist, well, let’s not talk about my waist.

Anyway, I did have two pairs of pants, but my grandma somehow washed one pair with an unknown substance.

My grandmother, by the way, is legally blind, which leads me to question her laundry washing ability.

I also question why my parents ran around for a week trying to get the house spotless before my grandma came to visit. She can’t see if it’s dirty or not!

Anyway, the aforementioned substance was purple (we still don’t know what it was), and it left big purple blotches all over my pants. Normally, this would have been a non-issue, but seeing as how I only had two pairs of pants at the time, it was a pretty big deal.

So now I wear my only pair of pants every day. Hey, they’re comfortable and clean (well, most of the time). Besides, having one pair really cuts down on the time it takes me to get ready in the morning.

Me on a typical morning:

"Oh. It looks like it’s going to be cold out. I guess I’ll wear pants. Hey, this pair looks good!"

Which is basically how most men get dressed anyway. Don’t get me wrong – I’m planning on getting more pants. I love pants – they keep my legs warm. It’s just that I don’t have a lot of time to go shopping.

It’s not high on my priority list, what with five classes and a job and thousands of women knocking down my door (just kidding).

Some of you are probably wondering, "What’s this guy’s problem? Why is he obsessing over his pants? Why does this guy have a girlfriend?"

Well, the pant issue was fresh on my mind because of an incident involving a friend of a friend. I was talking to a friend outside of Soule Hall (she lives there, not me, although that would be nice) and here comes her friend with two other people.

This friend, we’ll call him "Mike" because that’s his name, comes up to me and says, "Nice pants. What, do you only have one pair?"

To which I replied,

"Yeah, actually I do, a**hole."

I don’t think that was very nice. I mean, I don’t even know him that well and he decides to make fun of my pants. At the time, he was wearing a suit, which made me feel even worse, like he’s so good and I’m just a loser with one pair of pants.

As true as that is, I still don’t want to be reminded of it. So now I’m wondering if other people see me that way. To tell you the truth, it doesn’t really matter to me. The amount of legwear I own has nothing to do with who I am.

It just shows that I get good use out of my clothes and I don’t have a lot of money.

I’m not asking for pity, in fact I despise pity. Make fun of the way I am all you want. I love it, I feed off of it. Please, please insult me. Just don’t insult my pants (or lack thereof).

– Matt Dodge is a sophomore is pre-journalism.