Green Day
“Shenanigans”
Grade: A

Green Day sucks. They were cool in eighth grade, and now they’re just old and crappy.

OK, we heard your opinion. Now, for anyone who shares this sentiment, you can go ahead and shut up.

It’s time for the truth.

Green Day is just as good now as they were when you were listening to “39 Smooth” and “Kerplunk” in your basement, and no one had yet heard of the band.

The newest album, “Shenanigans,” opens with “Suffocate,” which can also be found on 1997′s “Time Of Your Life” single. The song has a standard Green Day opening, full of bass that kicks into a pulse-racing punk riff.

Following “Suffocate” is “Desensitized,” which to my knowledge has yet to be released, though it was considered for the fifth album, “Nimrod.” Why they cut it, I’ll never know.

A scathing satire of the information age, its many possible altruistic implications and the free porn sites we use it for instead, “Desensitized” takes the record up a notch before cooling off into “You Lied,” a bouncy number about, well, lying.

Ready to take it back up? There’s no better

way to do so than with the Ramones cover, “Outsider.”

It’s The Ramones, and it’s done exceedingly well. Need I say more?

Track 8, “Scumbag,” comes off the “Warning” single of 2001. This song has maybe the most fun guitar riff ever. I’d hum it for you, but you can’t hear me.

You need this song. It’ll make you smile. Seriously, it’s that goofy.

Up next, it’s the most romantic song I’ve ever heard, with a chorus of, “Rush into my depression/ sacrifice everything/ waste with me into nothing/ well, now you’re stuck with me.” Sure, it’s a little extreme, but that’s loyalty.

Lucky for us, the song never takes itself too seriously, mostly because it’s called “Do Da Da.” It was first released as the partner to the original “Time Of Your Life” on “Brain Stew/ Jaded.”

Then there’s the only new song, “Ha Ha You’re Dead.” Oh, you’ll like it.

If you open the inlay card and find you’re disappointed when you don’t get the extra song, “D.U.I.,” complain to the Japanese, who got it instead.

I don’t know. Maybe only the Japanese can truly enjoy Green Day’s lyrics.

Well, the Japanese and me. You might, too.

— Tyler Duckworth