I am stalking you. It’s true. Every day I get online and look at your Facebook.

When one of your friends tags a new photo of you, it’s more exciting to me than Christmas morning. I long for you. You are my dream woman, my sexual fantasy.

I know everything about you. I know when you post things and poke things and think about things.

My favorite picture of you is the one in the bikini. Yeah, the spring break photo. Sooo hot.

First thing in the morning, I wake up and check Facebook for you. I check your friends’ Facebooks, too. After all, if we’re going to be married some day, I should know as much about your friends as possible.

When your roommate posted the inside joke on your wall last week, I totally got it. Y’all are so funny.

It’s so great how much we have in common. For instance, we both like the same music, like Dave Matthews and The Beatles, we both like the same movies like “Anchorman” and “Wedding Crashers.” We’re even in the same groups like “Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good” and “Students Against Facebook News Feed.”

Yeah, that’s right. I hate Facebook News Feed. Why? It takes the sport out of it.

What fun is stalking if everyone’s doing it? Ever since this groundbreaking technology was introduced, my life has been a bore. What used to be a job for the truly dedicated (like myself) is now wide open for any other guy.

What once took me a half hour now takes me two minutes. What am I to do with all of this free time? Study? I want to be the only one who gets the joke between you and your roommate.

Anyone can figure it out now. I want to be the first to see the new photos. The days of this are long gone. Surely you feel the same way, as you and I joined the same group.

My brother told me that he joined the group because he felt his privacy was violated by the News Feed. What an idiot. I found all of his same information within 15 minutes. Way to go, bro, your privacy sure is secure.

I remember back when I was a freshman and I felt really guilty for looking people up online. “This is getting a little creepy” I often thought to myself.

Then I heard that more than a million women are stalked every year. As of a few years ago, that is. You know, before Facebook. I mean, after all, it’s an age of information.

If she wants to put her info out there, I should be able to see it, right?

So I write this article to get that terrible News Feed shut down. I mean, golly, I need my identity back. I want to be a stalker again, not just a reader. I want to be me again.

Don’t you hate it when it seems like everyone and their mothers are listening to your favorite band? It kind of taints the band for you, doesn’t it?

Just a little? Well, that’s how I feel. You amateur stalkers are ruining my life.

Gimme back the old Facebook, and gimme back my passion in life. After all, what does it matter to you?

Don’t you want your privacy back?

- Paul Rehm is not actually stalking you.

Please do not stalk him without informing him beforehand.