Taking the blame

Inspired by the Virginia legislature, The Red & Black offers an apology

Saturday, the Virginia General Assembly issued a formal apology for the poor treatment of Native Americans and for the institution of slavery.

In this spirit, The Red & Black would like to offer up an apology of its own:

We, the editorial board of The Red & Black,

WHEREAS, 2007 marks the 109th anniversary of the Spanish-American war,

WHEREAS, the USS Maine was destroyed and its destruction still harbors ill feelings toward Cuba and the Spanish Empire,

WHEREAS, the end of the Spanish-American War placed the United States among the growing nations of the world,

WHEREAS, this helped steam forward the Industrial Revolution,

WHEREAS, the Industrial Revolution led to the use of child labor and increase in greenhouse gas emissions,

WHEREAS, those harmful greenhouse emissions led to a gradual warming of the climate of Earth,

WHEREAS, this gradual warming did cause an increase in the number and severity of hurricanes during the summer of 2005,

WHEREAS, this season contained Hurricane Katrina which devastated New Orleans and other Gulf Coast cities,

RESOLVED, by the editorial board of The Red & Black, we do herby submit our deepest regrets for causing Hurricane Katrina, due to our obvious involvement in the Spanish American War.

RESOLVED FURTHER, we promise never again to apologize for things no one still living possibly could have caused or had any personal involvement in.

Oscars unworthy

The Academy Awards show continues to bore audiences, overlook talent

Sunday night’s Academy Awards ceremony didn’t offer many surprises – speeches were kept short, Ellen’s hosting skills were funny but inoffensive and Adrien Brody didn’t show up for random makeout sessions onstage.

One of the biggest awards of the night was for Martin Scorsese, who won the Best Director Oscar for directing “The Departed,” after losing out on an oscar five times before.

While we’re glad Marty finally got his long-awaited achievement, we were disappointed some other people didn’t get any accolades, specifically Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Also, the show needs to stay within the time limit and skip the poorly-edited montages, the backstage banter and the sound effects chorus.

But they also shouldn’t rudely usher people off the stage during their speeches. After all, if Oscar winners have made efforts worthy of earning such a prestigious award, they deserve enough podium time to thank the little people whose faces don’t end up in “People” magazine – like God, Jesus, their spouses, middle school English teachers, college drama professors, acting coaches, sound guys, grips, cinematographers… hey, hey… I’m not done here… no really…