Today, I’d like to clear the air for some people who just don’t quite get it.

I have an answer to a question that seems to be weighing heavily on some of your minds: No, it is not okay to smell like a foot on a daily basis. Not even a little.

About once a day, I feel as if I’ve been punched in the face by some fetid phantom limb as I walk through Tate or the SLC, and that just stinks (pun intended).

I seriously feel that it’s my job to tell you stinkers these things because, well, no one else has the guts to do so.

To be honest, I don’t care where you’re from, what you believe or what the limitations of your faith may be, because I have yet to find a set of beliefs that holds Dial or Zest in an evil light.

I empathize with people who have classes with these individuals or the unfortunate souls who get caught standing next to one on the over-packed Orbit bus.

It’s simply not fair and extremely rude to everyone who has to cross your path every day. And no, that’s not an opinion – that’s a fact.

Maybe you don’t know you reek. Maybe you’re so used to your own smell that it’s never crossed your mind that people find you offensive.

I honestly think that some of you deserve your own HAZMAT division. Maybe they could figure out what biohazard you fell into to make you smell the way you do.

An anomaly of sorts is that some of you smell like every square inch of a locker room after an entire season of football, yet you’ve never set foot in one. Would someone mind explaining that one to me?

I don’t know how else to say it. It’s just a chore to have to be in your proximity. If it weren’t for the buses or a cramped classroom, I firmly believe that your personal bubble would never be popped.

And God help us if it is, because who knows what kind of devastation that thin barrier is holding at bay?

So let me be clear: there is no good reason as to why some of you should smell as bad as you do – not with the multitude of scented products that you have at your disposal from any store around town.

Go invest in some Old Spice or some strong body wash. I promise it won’t wreck your bank account. That’s what fast food and the liquor stores are for.

Ha ha, whoops, what was I thinking? How absurd. No one drinks alcohol in college.

But I’m out of room, and I digress.

Please, do us all a favor and reassess the hygienic aspect of your life. Otherwise, we may have to resort to some pretty over-the-top intervention methods, like using cable television shows to embarrass you on national TV.

Extreme Makeover: B.O. Edition? Hey, why not?