There are two types of people who read The Red & Black in the summertime. There are those with thru session classes and those who are incoming freshmen attending orientation.

If you are a part of the latter group, I have a little piece of advice for you that I feel very strongly about.

In short: go away.

Transfer or something. It’s not too late.

I’m sure Auburn would love to have you. You could go to USC and get a 4.0. You could probably go to Georgia Southern and get a 5.0.

The University is a great place. There’s a lot to do in Athens. The classes are challenging but fun. The people are occasionally tolerable and it’s a generally nice place to be.

It might sound like all of these things are reasons that one SHOULD attend the University but, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. These things are ours. You can’t have them. Go away.

Perhaps you read this and think, “surely he’s joking. I’m not the type of person he would want to see leave Athens. I don’t suck.”

Well, you might be right, but that’s not a chance I’m willing to take. In Athens, the fewer the better. The rest of us already live here, so go away. If you’re not a freshman, you probably already know this.

Perhaps this is your first whirl at summer classes. Look around. Besides having to hear about your friends relaxing on the beach, is there any conceivable downside to spending the summer in Athens? I submit that there is not.

It’s not BAD when it’s crowded, of course, but it sure is better when it’s not.

The adults and locals always say how much they love the summers here. Their businesses aren’t making any money, there aren’t as many mentionable music acts outside of AthFest and besides the weather, there’s no major difference.

Well, the students are gone. Hmm.

Imagine this year round. Wouldn’t it be great? Imagine trying to get football tickets. It certainly would become easier. Several things would become easier, actually.

Perhaps not everyone is as passionate about this issue as I am. But personally, I’d rather let Michael Vick borrow my dogs for a few hours than have to share the University with another 8,000 people.

Others, however, believe in letting progress take its course as the University grows and admits smarter up-and-comers than it did 10 years ago and all of that other BS.

Whatever. They can go away too.

You decided to come to college to make some money, and maybe make the world a better place. Well, if you go somewhere else to achieve that first part, the second part’s already done.

It’s your duty to humanity to go away. Godspeed.

- Paul Rehm is a columnist for the Red & Black. Don’t worry. He won’t be around in the fall.