Summer’s almost here again: that special time when I drench myself with sweat just from checking the mail and charbroil my lungs with ground-level ozone.

If you’re one of those lucky people who will stay in Athens this summer, enjoy the empty bars at night. Just don’t go outside during the day unless you like poisonous gas.

But it’s hot outside, so why would you? Just stay inside and crank your AC all the way down to 68 and don’t worry about a thing.

You could be more familiar with ground-level ozone than you think. It’s a mix of the air we breathe, the summer sun and fossil fuel emissions that reduces your lung capacity and raises your susceptibility to bronchitis.

If you really hate your lungs, don’t waste money on cigarettes. Just go out and jog around in this stuff. You won’t catch a buzz, but hell – it’s free.

Forget “global warming.” It’s a hoax, a false alarm, a scam, laid on the credulous Middle-American yokels by the bad, evil media in hopes of raising dwindling newspaper and magazine profits.

Al Gore made up all them fancy charts and gave all them fancy speeches just to weasel his way to a Nobel Peace Prize.

He’s an extremist, and so are all these fearful “scientists.” Stop carbon emissions? Right now? Don’t they know this is America? We do things a lil’ different ’round these parts.

We do them the free way, the proud way. The American way.

Let’s not really do anything to stop carbon emissions just yet. Somebody will solve the problem sometime, somewhere, somehow. Right? President George W. Bush would agree. It’s all in his newest plan.

Let’s wait and let them, whoever they are, decide how we’ll breathe safely in the summer. If it’s good enough for George W., then, damn it, it’s good enough for Josh W.

All those scientists can do their fancy calculations. I’ve done my own.

I’m living on student loans right now. But, if I watch my money just right, I’ll have close to a grand left by the end of the summer. Do you have any idea how many gallons of unleaded gasoline that can buy me?

You see, I, too, believe in freedom. I have my own American dream. This summer, I’m stepping outside on an especially hot day with my trusty gasmask and gallon upon gallon of liquefied dinosaur bones. I’ll keep my car in park and rev my engine again and again and again, stereo and AC blasting. That scorching asphalt will make a real tasty batch of ozone.

It’s not illegal yet – not even close.

It’s not hot enough outside to my liking. This air is just too breathable. If you

drive an SUV or an enormous truck, then come on by. We’ll all celebrate being American Americans together.

- Josh White is a graduate student from Carrollton majoring in public administration.