The good got their awards last night; the bad get their comeuppance here in this column.

In honor of the 81st Academy Awards, let’s take a leisurely, patronizing glimpse at this past year’s cinematic failures. After all, in order to fully appreciate the heights to which the Oscar nominees soared, we must recognize how deep of a hole a film can dig for itself.

In the cases of my top three, my guess is that they’ve hit Earth’s molten core and melted away, Gollum-style.

Third: “Max Payne”

Winner of: Worst Acting, Overbearing Cinematography, Worst Video Game to Film Transition

Directed by: John Moore (“The Omen”)

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, Olga Kurylenko

It’s almost a given that a video game turned movie would lack the basic components of good filmmaking, so I’ve learned to lower my standards and enjoy the ride. But “Max Payne” never even left the driveway; it was so crippled by a lifeless plot.

Mark Wahlberg plays the title character, a rogue cop who is hell-bent on solving his wife’s murder (stifles yawn).

Leads go nowhere until a slinky Olga Kurylenko (last seen in “Quantum of Solace”) saunters into his life for about five minutes and then is murdered by maybe-real, maybe-fake winged demons. Suddenly, signs appear everywhere linking the two incidents.

Aided by one-dimensional characters in the form of Mila Kunis (Russian mobster-ess) and Ludacris (detective), Payne shoots and scowls his way to justice.

All the while, the excessive use of bullet time and a poor man’s “Sin City” visual style blasts the viewer’s eyes with full-frontal mediocrity.

Second: 10,000 B.C.

Winner of: Most Unconvincing Ensemble Cast, Worst Make-up, Worst Anachronisms

Directed by: Roland Emmerich (“The Day After Tomorrow”)

Starring: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis and a bunch of people you don’t know.

Since when did a Paleolithic tribe consist of a Maori, a Jamaican and a white guy? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And no, putting dreadlocks on everybody doesn’t mask the fact that the actors come from completely different nationalities.

The premise to this messy epic probably looked like gold on paper: young mammoth hunter (Steven Strait) willing to do whatever it takes to rescue his cave woman from the clutches of strange, large-nosed invaders. Too bad all the unconvincing elements sabotaged any further interest in the film.

For example, how is it that some of these prehistoric guys have cleanly shaven heads and trimmed beards? How is it that it takes the main characters mere days to go from barren winter wastelands to Egypt?

“10,000 BC” is a sprawling epic only in terms of lapses in logic and money wasted.

First: The Happening

Winner of: Death of a Directing Career Award, ‘WTF is going on?’ Award

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo

We’ve sensed it; we’ve seen the signs. Now it’s finally happened. Shyamalan has strangled the last gasp from his once-promising career. And here I was thinking that his first R-rated film might be his redemptive comeback.

And because he’s hankering for more cinematic punishment, Mark Wahlberg returns for another verbal wallop. This time, he’s an unconvincing high school science teacher with a permanent blank stare.

He’s also in some sort of loveless relationship with Zooey Deschanel, and it takes the threat of this unseen, suicide-inducing menace to bring them together again. Unfortunately, even when their love is resolved, the two have about as much chemistry as a sack of potatoes.

I was optimistic as the film opened with a barrage of sophisticated suicide scenes. Then we come to discover what causes the suicides. Trust me, your incredulity will take the shape of an audible “seriously?”

- Julie Leung is the Assistant Production manager for The Red & Black.