Key the bagpipes. Clear the throat.

The speech has been written for nearly six weeks, but now the time has come to express the remorse that is weighing heavily on the minds of Georgia football fans and Athenians everywhere.

And so begins the ceremony: “It is on this day, October 6th, 2010, that we gather to mourn the loss of our dearest friend and annual companion. Our loss has been expected for quite some time — over a year now to be exact — but it does not alleviate the sting we all still feel. It is no surprise that this is a day we never wanted to see.”

DILLARD

With all fans, alumni and students solemnly looking on, the eulogy of tailgating is underway in Athens.

As the announcements of the start times for Tennessee and Vanderbilt football games were made — two more noon start times — the thousands upon thousands who considered themselves close to tailgating immediately knew its time had come. The response was tragic, a potent mix of outrage and disappointment.

Though the actual time of death is still unclear, authorities believe it could have happened as early as Sept. 18 — after a 31-24 loss to Arkansas by the Georgia football team.

Ever since that beautiful afternoon in Athens, the prospects of tailgating surviving seemed ironically bleak.

Sure enough, the worst of fears came true — even if not everyone has been willing to accept the reality of the situation.

So continues the ceremony: “If tailgating were still here, I’m sure it would want us all to know that there is always next year, or the next. That’s the thing: even when times looked the worst during the season, we could always look to it. Now it appears that opportunity has passed us by as well. But while we all are hurting here in 2010, the future may yet hold a better day. We just cannot know. We can only hope something is done to relieve the heartache.”

The inevitable report of its passing came as no surprise.

Tailgating in Athens had been on life support for the past year. With the decision to ban many of the most essential tailgating accessories from the University’s North Campus, the phenomenon was already in a crisis. Most saw tailgating fading fast, but nothing substantial was done to prevent the calamity.

It only took one last straw to flatline our beloved Saturday companion. It came all too fast.

If Michael Adams and the rest of the administration put tailgating on life support, Mark Richt and his 1-4 football team pulled the plug.

Complaints have flooded the Georgia media in recent weeks, asking the question as to why the administration keeps scheduling these noon games. Did they not understand that it not only were Friday nights unfairly shortened, but our dearest friend tailgating would suffer severely from the decision?

Well, this was not a conscious effort by the administration.

This was a calculated reaction from outside sources, and tailgating received the brunt of the blow.

With a 1-4 team competing in Athens, television networks have lost all interest in showing the Bulldogs’ games at later times in the day, when viewership is higher. So we now mourn tailgating because the networks would rather kill tailgating in Athens than expose viewers to lackluster Georgia football.

While the slightest of possibilities remains that tailgating could be revived in the season’s final two home games, the fan base should not count on it. With Georgia Tech plodding through a mediocre season and Idaho State being Idaho State, noon games appear to be the norm in Athens. And with every noon game announced, it only solidifies tailgating’s position at six feet under.

All there is left is to mourn the season’s loss — and hope for a brighter future.

Tailgating is survived by a 1-4 Georgia football team, a partially-filled Sanford Stadium and an athletic administration that is facing diminishing profits and still has not devised an acceptable student ticket system.

For those looking to console the distant relatives of Athens tailgating, it is recommended to attend the Florida game in Jacksonville, Fla., which is set for its traditional 3:30 p.m. kickoff.

And so ends the ceremony: “Thank you all for attending on this sad day. It was so nice to see these 100,000-plus familiar faces. I know the agony will wear on for quite sometime, and no one will soon forget the year 2010. Hope to see all of you milling around an hour or two before Saturday’s Tennessee game, solemnly missing the days when tailgating was still with us. Please feel free to leave your condolences at North Campus. With that, I will step down before I choke up again. I hate goodbyes.”

Kill the bagpipes. Shoot the guns.

POSSIBLE SUSPECTS

Here is a consolidated list of possible suspects contributing to tailgating’s demise:

RICHT - MOTIVE: Fewer fans on campus means fewer people to witness the team’s performance

ADAMS - MOTIVE: Probably didn’t enjoy the game day ruckus or tailgaters peeing in his parking spot.