Both the Rolling Stones and college football games remind us of an unfortunate truth: we can’t always get what we want. But we can sure as hell try.

Tess Johnson

I was thumbing through the pages of the latest Cosmopolitan, filing my nails and staring into space, when I had a frighteningly pensive bolt of brain activity. “What tactics really make women more attractive to men?”

Improvement is simple, but it requires diligence. If you’re going to find a man with a sweet beach body who will buy you lots of cool stuff, you’re going to need a reliable path. Luckily, I’ve forged one for you.

First, consider the right appearance. I like to cover my walls with photos of Ke$ha to remind myself of the goals. False eyelashes are of course required. Lower back tattoos including butterflies add a classy element but also convey a fun girl vibe.

Reserved fashion choices do not send the proper message. Think sequins and animal print. Ditch the pants, and find something that reveals at least 75 percent (ideal estimation) of your ass should you bend downward. Halter tops. Backless things. Things that, when combined with movement, require witchcraft to prevent your nipples from showing.

And don’t even glance at flats. Heels or no deal — the higher the better. Men long to see you teeter like a baby giraffe. It arouses a specific area of the brain — the occipital teeterus lobe.

Seriously. It’s just science.

Ill-informed “specialists” might have you believe that relationships begin with your own confidence and independence.

I’m here to tell you the opposite. To really win at Manopoly, you must send out vibes of necessity and longing at all times.

It gives you that extra something.

Exchanging gazes with a man is best seasoned with a particularly desperate facial expression (which can take some practice). I like to imagine that I’m fleeing a sinking ship, and he is in control of the final lifeboat. “I won’t be young forever” should be the narrative you aim to communicate with eyes full of longing.

The puppy dog stare will work wonders for your sexual opportunities. Once men sense desperation, they are instantly aroused.

Of course, following any casual sexual encounter, the most attractive move is to ask your partner “what it meant” and if it “will be going anywhere serious.” Demand they meet your mother within 10 business days.

If you want him to stick around, force him to do things he does not want to do. Men enjoy the challenge of consoling a volatile and angry woman. Discuss your periods. Ask him if you look fat, and do it often.

Never act pleased with his answer — it’s a healthy workout for his man brain. Using feminine charm to reel in big fish is just part of nature.

Imagine your actions as traps, set and ready for vulnerable takers. Should these tactics work to your advantage (they definitely will), you may find yourself waist-deep in Man River.

Cherish your success, and know that you have earned it. But for goodness sake, never remove your makeup.

— Tess Johnson is a senior from Savannah majoring in anthropology