If there is one thing I may have overscrutinized since beginning college, it might be Missed Connections on Craigslist. I’ve analyzed them like a true scholar, perfecting a system of classification that allows me to anticipate the subject matter by just glancing at the title of the post. (Yes, I’m single.) Missed Connections can be exciting. You may think, “Does that woman have Craigslist confused with AOL circa 1997?” or “She really licked a table at 8e’s?”, but at the end of the day, most of us want to find a post that describes us. For those of you who’ve put getting a Missed Connection on their Athens bucket list, I have crafted a handy guide to help you achieve this esoteric goal.

Alina Yudkevich

Following these suggestions on conduct, body language and dialogue will help you meet your goal of Craigslist notoriety over the course of just one day.

Begin by riding your road bike to a central coffee shop, carefully surveying the roads for fellow cyclists and sitting in a strategic location. Pull a novel out of your messenger bag, position your obscure title for maximum visibility and scan the room. Is there someone nearby also reading a book? If so, you have located your first target. Do not look away from them until their tingly feeling informs them they are being watched. Once they see that you are reading a book as well, they will take note. Just to be certain though, turn the pages with fervor and make visceral sounds of laughter and anguish at times that seem appropriate to reiterate that you are absorbed in an epic, literary adventure. If an unrelated stranger walks by, stop them and ask if they’ve read the book, loudly enunciating each syllable of the title. However, never speak to the target. This is the key to your first missed connection, which will probably include the identity-authenticating line, “and tell me what book you were reading.”

Next, proceed to a nearby retail establishment. Appear ennui-stricken as you gather your ink cartridge or packages of lasagna-for-one. As you approach the cashier, make intense, unyielding eye contact. If your chin does not quiver from the effort, you are not trying hard enough. Then, “accidentally” brush the hand of the cashier in a way that suggests you could’ve had a future together if only one of you had mustered up the courage. If implemented correctly, this technique will ensure many Missed Connections.
As the day draws to a close, keep in mind that downtown nightlife is a veritable Petri dish of lustful looks and screamed introductions atop Bourbon Street tables.

Embrace the idea that you’ve perfected the necessary body language to get the attention of passersby; paired with obscene, overzealous dancing, slurred life stories and dainty vomiting, this technique ensures a missed connection titled succinctly, “friday nite.” Should you forget your mission and go home with somebody, fear not. Simply give zero indication as to your identity and leave behind an intriguing item, such as an undergarment or lipstick-stained napkin. It’s like a Nancy Drew book for grown-ups: people love solving mysteries almost as much as they love having sex with strangers.

When you get home from downtown at 2 a.m. and pull up Craigslist, remember to refresh the page obsessively until you find something that could potentially be about you. If you don’t see anything, there’s always tomorrow.

— Alina Yudkevich is a senior from Marietta majoring in film studies and advertising