Ladies and gentlemen, we are in a state of emergency.

Extraterrestrial life has penetrated our atmosphere and begun the process of brainwashing the human race. Not to panic, however, for Orson Welles, Steven Spielberg and the makers of “Mars Attacks!” had it all wrong.

The aliens aren’t after our governments, our nuclear arsenals or our lives — they’re after our History Channel.

In a matter of mere years, these ancient extraterrestrial creatures have inflicted damage to a degree unparalleled by any super-mega-hyper death ray.

They have completely and unmercifully rewritten human history from the construction of the great pyramids to present day, attributing the great feats of humankind to themselves, “American Pickers,” “Swamp People” and “Pawn Stars.”

MEGAN WHITE

Their propaganda, appearing in the form of interviews with Dr. Crazy Eyes and Professor IdontevenknowhereIam, testimonials from average Americans with terrifyingly large beards and titillating images of old men driving trucks down icy roads has gone so far as to change the definition of history itself.

No longer should people concern themselves with the Romans, Word War II or Abraham Lincoln. Forget the idea of learning from the past to create a better future.

All we need to know is that the Romans came from space, World War II was a supernatural conspiracy, Abraham Lincoln was abducted by aliens and our future lies solely in the hands of the Ax Men.

Whether we are in the midst of an alien invasion or not, something is drastically wrong with the History Channel.

Five years ago, viewers could watch interesting, informative shows covering important historical issues.

Documentaries analyzing the barbarians of the Dark Ages, ancient Chinese inventions and Old West outlaws gave people an idea of where they came from and where they are going.

These programs have, as of late, given way to shows about people who prowl the countryside looking for evidence of UFOs, short-tempered men in a pawn shop and Larry the Cable Guy.

The History Channel, perhaps more appropriately known as the Nostradamus News Network or SPIKE for Old Men, features a smorgasbord of televised gems, including “Ancient Aliens,” “Apocalypse PA,” “Big Shrimpin’,” “Comets: Prophets of Doom,” “Hairy Bikers” and my personal favorite, “Sliced,” a show that dedicates 30 minutes to sawing things in half.

As much as I appreciate shrimp and chain saws, neither comfortably fits the historical definition of history.

On any given day, for example, the History Channel lineup includes 13 hours of “American Pickers,” five hours of “Pawn Stars,” two hours of “Ax Men,” two hours of paid programming and two hours of actual historical content between six and eight in the morning.

Maybe the History Channel is making a profound statement about society’s desire to forget the past and focus on the present reality of shirtless men cutting down trees.

Maybe I’m the only one out there who thinks classifying hairy bikers as history is a bit odd.

Or maybe — just maybe — the executives at the History Channel know something we don’t and are trying to warn us of the shortness of life and our impending doom.

For now, I’m willing to take my chances.

I’ll stick with National Geographic.

— Megan White is a freshman from Johns Creek majoring in international affairs